The Most Interesting Day of Todd Williams’s Life

I considered not posting this because I was concerned it'd ruin my writing career.  Then I realized I don't have a writing career.

Time to sit back and wait for the Pulitzer.

One summer day a young man name Todd Williams was driving up the Highway 101 when a police car with flashing lights sped up behind him and pulled him over.  Todd’s heart was racing as he moved over to the right shoulder of the freeway which was surrounded by green hills and pastures.  Todd put his car in park and it turn off, he then looked in his rear-view mirror as the cop stepped out of the police car.  The cop was of average build, in his late-thirties, had a mustache, and was wearing sunglasses.  He walked up to the passenger side of Todd’s car as Todd was rolling his window down.

“Hello, officer,” said Todd.

“License and registration,” said the cop.

Todd handed his license and registration to the police officer.

The officer read Todd’s name aloud, “Todd Edward Williams.”

“That’s me,” said Todd, waving stupidly.

The cop lowered his sunglasses and stared sternly at Todd for an awkward moment in silence.

“Well, whoop-de-doo,” said the cop, “Do you know who I am?”

Todd looked at the officer’s badge and said, “Umm, Officer Bryant?”

“That’s not who I am, buddy,” replied the cop.

“Well I guess don’t know who are you, sir.”

“Well I don’t know who the fuck you are, either” said the cop, becoming heated. “Just cause’ I know your stupid fucking name doesn’t mean I know who you are, does it now?!”

“No, sir, I guess it doesn’t”

The cop continued, declaring, “And just cause you know your stupid fucking name doesn’t mean you know who are, or that you know who I am just cause’ you can read my stupid fucking name tag, huh!?”

“No, sir,” said Todd.

“What do you want!?” the cop yelled.

“Nothing, sir.”

“You don’t like that do you?” snarled the cop.

“Like what?”

“Like me getting mean and crazy like this,” the cop hissed. “You don’t like me getting all crazy like this do you?”

“No, sir,” said Todd.

“You know what? I don’t know who I am either.”

“Alright…” said Todd.

The cop looked past the cars speeding along the highway and said, “I should have been Todd Williams.”

Confused, Todd said, “I’m sorry?”

“You’re not sorry,” said the cop, “You may think you are, but you also think you’re Todd Williams, but you’re not.”

“Can you tell me why you pulled me over?” asked Todd.

“Why does anything happen?” replied the cop, “What if I pulled my dick out right here, huh?  Can you tell me what we’re doing here right now?”

“Well, you pulled me over…”

“I’ve got an idea,” said the cop, “This is gonna be fun.”

“What’s that?” asked Todd, unsure if he was hearing the officer correctly.

“Here’s my idea, I’m gonna hand you my gun, and then you’re gonna shoot me in the head and kill me.”

Todd was dumbstruck and said, “Excuse me???”

“Shut the fuck up,” said the cop as he took his handgun out of his holster.  He removed the safety, cocked the gun, and offered it to Todd.  “You ever used one of these?” he asked.

“What?!”

“It doesn’t matter.  You just aim and pull the trigger.  You ready, bitch?  Take the gun and blow my head off.” 

“No!” exclaimed Todd.

“Yes!” yelled the cop, “Yes, I say! Yes! Yes! Yes! YES!”

“You’re crazy!” screamed Todd, who reached to turn the key in his ignition.

“Give me those!”  The cop reached in the car and took the keys out of the ignition. He aimed the gun at Todd and yelled, “Don’t fucking move!”

“Oh my God,” said Todd.

“I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll give you til’ the count of three and if you don’t take this here gun and shoot me in head, I’m gonna pump some lead into that stupid little face of yours.”

“You’re fucking nuts, man.”

“One…” said the cop.

“I’m not going to shoot you!” yelled Todd.   

“Two…” said the cop.

“God please,” said Todd, closing his eyes.

“THREE!”  The cop turned the gun up and staring firing through the roof of the car.

When he realized he was not dead Todd opened his eyes in fear and looked at the cop.  The cop was grinning.

“Don’t be afraid,” said the cop, “it was a joke.”

Todd began to tremble and said, “No man, death is no fucking joke…playing with peoples lives is not a fucking joke!”

The cop took off his sunglasses and turned his head to the side.  He looked at Todd and said, “Really? I think it’s pretty fucking funny if you ask me.”

The cop then pointed the gun to his own temple and pulled the trigger and blew off his head.