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    Poems IV

    Aaron to his Brain: Do we have to write a fucking poem everyday?
    His Brain: Just shut the fuck up.
    Aaron: You know we were late to work yesterday because of your bullshit?
    Brain: Don't make me hurt us!
    Aaron (under his breath): Fucking asshole.
    Brain: What did you say?!
    Aaron: Nothing, nothing.
    Brain: That's what I thought.


    If I had a magic wand
    That could teleport people to places
    I’d start with the politicians
    And the White House Administration.

    I’d send all those fools who advocate war
    To Iraq and Afghanistan
    Where they themselves could hunt their foes
    And fight them hand to hand.  

    I’d teleport the Wall Street bankers
    To the forests of the Congo
    So they could practice basic economics
    And abide by the law of the jungle.  

    I’d send the IMF and World Bank
    On a worldwide reparations tour
    To give back the billions of dollars
    That they’ve stolen from the poor.

    Of those crooks who are still alive
    That organized Iran-Contra
    I’d send to see their victim’s families
    Down in Nicaragua.

    Now, I know it’s not right
    To play God with a wand
    But even Bilbo Baggins
    Had his share of fun.
    So, I’d send President Bush
    To Abu Ghraib
    And President Obama
    To Guantanamo Bay

    I’d send those sheriffs and policemen
    Whom desire more prisons
    To spend some nights with the inmates
    In the cells of San Quentin.

    And all human traffickers
    (Except for those who are gay)
    I’d send down to the Castro
    To be tied-up as slaves.

    I’d send each first-world man
    Who’d kill a dolphin or whale
    To the Japanese fish markets
    To be auctioned for sale

    I’d teleport the models
    From Victoria’s Secret
    To a tropical island
    Then I’d go there to meet them.

    If I had a magic wand
    I’d send myself to space
    To gaze upon the marvelous Earth
    Then disappear without a trace.


    I once met a girl
    Who stole my virginity.
    When I awoke later that night
    I saw her stealing my money.

    She denied that she tried
    For honesty she lacked
    Then she stole a kiss and ran off
    That kleptomaniac.

    The next girl that I met
    Was a fiery soul.
    We'd have sex nonstop
    She refused to let go.

    I needed a break
    But she would not relax.
    So I broke off my tryst
    With that nymphomaniac.

    So I became more cautious
    With the girls that I dated
    And then I finally found
    A nice young lady

    She was not one to steal
    And we never had sex
    Until the day that she killed me
    That necrophiliac.


    I took a trip on Noah’s Ark
    God, the things I saw…
    Mastodons and elephant birds
    Giant sloths and Neanderthals.

    In the galley two lions dined
    On a saber-toothed tiger pair.
    And in the downpour on the deck
    A pegasus danced with a polar bear.

    Noah was up in the crow’s nest
    With a couple of unicorns.
    But he wasn’t very comfortable
    So he tossed them overboard.  

    There were flying squirrels, snakes, and fish
    Engaged in a massive orgy.
    Lord knows how many cryptids came
    From off that boat of bestiality.

    For forty days and forty nights
    The insanity ensued.
    The ship dripped red from mast to hull
    Species perished two by two.

    The torrent ceased, the deluge eased
    The creatures returned to the land.
    And from Noah they fled across the Earth
    Vowing to never again trust Man. 


    Two little moo cow brothers
    Were driving down the country road
    And from their little meat truck
    Human meat was sold.

    They sold the human arms and legs
    To the neigh horse in the barn
    But they kept the toes and fingers
    For the kittens on the farm.

    Mr. Pig enjoyed the taste
    Of all the human organs
    But today he only could afford
    The large and small intestines.

    The little lamb loved to eat
    The human flesh and skin
    Which kept its fleece so very soft
    And was fun to laugh and play in. 

    The black sheep traded all his wool
    For an entire human brain
    Which had belonged to the little boy
    Who once lived down the lane.

    Those clever little moo cows
    Knew how to make a buck
    And the model of their emulation
    Hung in the cooler of the truck.

    He was upside down and frozen stiff
    Slaughtered and without limbs.
    The butcher had been butchered
    By bovine businessmen.

    A flock of chickens bought his cock
    And pecked the pecker to pieces
    A gaggle of geese gobbled his liver
    And found it quite delicious.

    The cows made such great profits
    In selling human beings
    That they opened up fast food restaurants
    Across the entire country.

    The old moo cows are now retired
    And when they close their eyes
    They imagine pastures of greener grass
    That grow on the other side.

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