Aaron to his Brain: Do we have to write a fucking poem everyday?
His Brain: Just shut the fuck up.
Aaron: You know we were late to work yesterday because of your bullshit?
Brain: Don't make me hurt us!
Aaron (under his breath): Fucking asshole.
Brain: What did you say?!
Aaron: Nothing, nothing.
Brain: That's what I thought.
If I had a magic wand
That could teleport people to places
I’d start with the politicians
And the White House Administration.
I’d send all those fools who advocate war
To Iraq and Afghanistan
Where they themselves could hunt their foes
And fight them hand to hand.
I’d teleport the Wall Street bankers
To the forests of the Congo
So they could practice basic economics
And abide by the law of the jungle.
I’d send the IMF and World Bank
On a worldwide reparations tour
To give back the billions of dollars
That they’ve stolen from the poor.
Of those crooks who are still alive
That organized Iran-Contra
I’d send to see their victim’s families
Down in Nicaragua.
Now, I know it’s not right
To play God with a wand
But even Bilbo Baggins
Had his share of fun.
So, I’d send President Bush
To Abu Ghraib
And President Obama
To Guantanamo Bay
I’d send those sheriffs and policemen
Whom desire more prisons
To spend some nights with the inmates
In the cells of San Quentin.
And all human traffickers
(Except for those who are gay)
I’d send down to the Castro
To be tied-up as slaves.
I’d send each first-world man
Who’d kill a dolphin or whale
To the Japanese fish markets
To be auctioned for sale
I’d teleport the models
From Victoria’s Secret
To a tropical island
Then I’d go there to meet them.
If I had a magic wand
I’d send myself to space
To gaze upon the marvelous Earth
Then disappear without a trace.
I once met a girl
Who stole my virginity.
When I awoke later that night
I saw her stealing my money.
She denied that she tried
For honesty she lacked
Then she stole a kiss and ran off
The next girl that I met
Was a fiery soul.
We'd have sex nonstop
She refused to let go.
I needed a break
But she would not relax.
So I broke off my tryst
With that nymphomaniac.
So I became more cautious
With the girls that I dated
And then I finally found
A nice young lady
She was not one to steal
And we never had sex
Until the day that she killed me
I took a trip on Noah’s Ark
God, the things I saw…
Mastodons and elephant birds
Giant sloths and Neanderthals.
In the galley two lions dined
On a saber-toothed tiger pair.
And in the downpour on the deck
A pegasus danced with a polar bear.
Noah was up in the crow’s nest
With a couple of unicorns.
But he wasn’t very comfortable
So he tossed them overboard.
There were flying squirrels, snakes, and fish
Engaged in a massive orgy.
Lord knows how many cryptids came
From off that boat of bestiality.
For forty days and forty nights
The insanity ensued.
The ship dripped red from mast to hull
Species perished two by two.
The torrent ceased, the deluge eased
The creatures returned to the land.
And from Noah they fled across the Earth
Vowing to never again trust Man.
Two little moo cow brothers
Were driving down the country road
And from their little meat truck
Human meat was sold.
They sold the human arms and legs
To the neigh horse in the barn
But they kept the toes and fingers
For the kittens on the farm.
Mr. Pig enjoyed the taste
Of all the human organs
But today he only could afford
The large and small intestines.
The little lamb loved to eat
The human flesh and skin
Which kept its fleece so very soft
And was fun to laugh and play in.
The black sheep traded all his wool
For an entire human brain
Which had belonged to the little boy
Who once lived down the lane.
Those clever little moo cows
Knew how to make a buck
And the model of their emulation
Hung in the cooler of the truck.
He was upside down and frozen stiff
Slaughtered and without limbs.
The butcher had been butchered
By bovine businessmen.
A flock of chickens bought his cock
And pecked the pecker to pieces
A gaggle of geese gobbled his liver
And found it quite delicious.
The cows made such great profits
In selling human beings
That they opened up fast food restaurants
Across the entire country.
The old moo cows are now retired
And when they close their eyes
They imagine pastures of greener grass
That grow on the other side.